Baby, I’m Blue

MODERN LIFE SHORT STORY BY EIRIN THOMPSON

Would anyone ever understand her feelings, Naomi wondered…

Naomi sat on the park bench, staring at the trees.

She didn’t know how long she’d been there – ten minutes? An hour?

Would Ella wake up soon? The prospect was exhausting. Naomi peeked into the pram.

Her little daughter was sleeping soundly, the picture of contentment.

“These are the best years of your life.”

An older woman had crept up on them.

Naomi forced a smile.

“She’s an angel,” the woman said, quietly, peering into the pram.

But it wasn’t quiet enough for Naomi.

If the woman woke Ella, Naomi would despair.

Please let her walk on, Naomi thought.

Yet the woman seemed determined to be friends.

“I’m Ruth,” she said. “I’ve seen you here before.”

Ella was stirring. Naomi felt the familiar weary feeling creep over her.

“Shall we get the pram moving, see if we can keep her asleep a bit longer?” Ruth asked.

Naomi would have preferred Ella to stay sleeping, and she was in no mood to chat.

She never was, these days.

“Maybe if we just rock her,” Ruth suggested.

Ella had other ideas. She began to cry.

“Oh, no,” Naomi whispered.

Ruth looked at her.

“You’re exhausted, aren’t you?” she said.

“Tell you what, you sit there and leave this to me for a bit.”

Naomi nodded. Despite not wanting to talk to Ruth, this felt like a lifeline.

Ruth cooed at Ella and soon had her playing with Ruth’s door keys.

“What’s this lovely girl’s name?” Ruth enquired.

“Ella.”

“Well, it’s lovely to meet you, Ella. And you are?”

“Naomi.”

“I’m glad to meet you, Naomi,” Ruth said.

“I’ve thought of approaching you before, but didn’t want to be a nuisance.

“Am I right in saying you feel a bit… lost?”

Ruth’s face was full of kindness and empathy, and that just about tipped Naomi over the edge.

A hot tear rolled from one eye, and then the floodgates opened.

While Ella gnawed on a peeled carrot, Naomi wept and twisted a tissue in her hands.

“This is brilliant!” she managed to sob. “I’m actually crying. I thought I’d forgotten how.”

Ruth smiled.

“I certainly didn’t intend to make anybody cry, but if it’s brought you some relief, maybe it’s all right.”

“Oh, it is a relief – such a relief,” Naomi blurted out.

“Can everybody see what’s wrong with me? Is it obvious?” Naomi asked.

“No, Naomi,” Ruth said.

“To most people, you look like a well-groomed yummy mummy, I’d say.

“But I’m a retired health visitor, so I’ve spent years around new mothers and their babies.

“And, perhaps, more importantly, I’ve been where you are now.”

Naomi was shocked.

She hadn’t thought anyone else had ever felt so numb to their beautiful child as she did.

She could see how perfect Ella was.

Her skin was incredible, her blue eyes arresting and her tiny teeth so white.

Ella should be lifted to meet a laughing mum’s face, tickled blissfully, bathed playfully.

Instead, Naomi went through the motions of feeding and changing and washing with no real joy.

“I don’t know how much longer Robbie can put up with it,” Naomi whispered.

“As soon as he gets home from work, I hand him Ella and I go and lie down.

“Is it baby blues, Ruth?”

“I think ‘baby blues’ is a soft-sounding name for what’s a very tough experience,” Ruth replied.

“Have you ever thought you might be suffering with post-natal depression?”

“Depression? But I get up every day, have my shower, do my make-up, bath Ella.”

“Depression isn’t the same for everyone,” said Ruth. “We don’t all end up living in our dressing gowns, unable to function.”

Naomi swallowed. “If it’s post-natal depression, does that mean I’ll get better?”

“Certainly, with the right support,” Ruth said.

“Can you… help me?”

“Absolutely,” Ruth stated. “But you need to know you can trust me, so let’s walk to the health-centre.”

Ruth became a daily visitor to Naomi’s place.

To start with, she played with Ella, while Naomi did a bit of housework, or curled her hair or read a book.

Naomi visited her GP, who wrote a prescription but also encouraged her to work with Ruth, and to join a local group for mums struggling with similar feelings.

It took time, but slowly it began to chip away at the numbness and guilt.

“It’s about time Ella was introduced to the swimming pool,” Naomi said one day. “Do you think you could come with me?”

“Sure,” Ruth had agreed.

So they went.

When they arrived and got in the water, time flew by.

Now how long had they been in the pool, Naomi wondered. Ten minutes? An hour?

She wasn’t sure, since they were having such fun.

As she bounced a laughing Ella in the water, she gazed happily into her blue, blue eyes.

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